More crazy Dear Abby letters

Yes, these are real…and were posted in the same day’s paper.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Leon" for a few months. He is smart, cute, ambitious, caring, a great kisser and has a fantastic sense of humor. The problem? He gives new meaning to the phrase, "Got milk?"

Leon still has the remains of the first gallon of milk he ever purchased when he moved into his apartment. (He had overestimated the amount of milk he would consume, and before he knew it, had a gallon in his fridge that was three weeks past its expiration date.) Time passed, and still it remained there. Soon it was 6 months old and a novelty.

Abby, Leon has kept this container of milk through two roommates, three girlfriends, seven jobs and two refrigerators. It will soon be five years. He seems to have formed some sort of sentimental attachment to it. Can it still be classified as -- milk? Leon is entertained by the reaction he gets when people hear about it, and even has a blog about it with a picture.

If our relationship is to get serious, I see a "me or the milk" ultimatum in our future. Is it asking too much for him to leave his life of keeping expired dairy, or should I cut my losses and seek a dairy-free bachelor? Or should I just accept it as a souvenir or a pet? -- LACTOSE INTOLERANT IN OREGON

Uck. I mean, what happens to milk after 5 years?? Does it continue down the path of spoiling? What happens after it clumps? How bad does that smell? Or does it plateau off, and become a solid, like fat does?
Here’s another one:

DEAR ABBY: My precious Mitzy went to the neighbor's house to socialize. She primped for nearly two hours, and even though she is of humble breeding, I thought she looked stunning. But when she pranced over to see Adonis, he ignored her! She swayed her hips to entice him, but finally became discouraged and returned home. I held her in my lap to soothe her and gave her a bowl of warm milk.

Later that week, Adonis' master came calling and ordered me to "Keep that tawdry Mitzy away from my fine Adonis!" I politely replied that my Mitzy would be a marvelous catch for his Adonis, and I am encouraging the relationship.

How can I protect Mitzy's heart? Did I do the right thing? -- LOVER OF LOVE

In case you didn’t get this, Mitzy’s a cat. What the hell is wrong with people?? And how on earth, did both these crazy SOBs get their letters printed????